Let's Get High & Make SUP

[Howly Wolf]

It's a strange world, bro... getting stranger everyday. Easy to lose sight of what's real when the feed is flooded with AI-generated forecasts, snake oil surfluencers, and a 24/7 surveillance state that stokes ego and FOMO in equal measure. Much ado indeed, but amidst the artifice, know one thing to be true: The OSP remains the only outdated online surf forum for me.

Let me prove my love, bro. Let's get high and make SUP.

"Now hold on a moment, Howly," you stammer, "I'm down to hang, but it's summertime. Shouldn't we be surfing?" A valid question mi chico, but no. You see, the intimacy necessary to sufficiently demonstrate my affection for the OSP must occur unencumbered by the yowling of kooks and fair weather watermen. To reach new heights of camaraderie, we mustn't lower ourselves to the droll of summer. We must stand erect upon the water, perfectly poised and with paddles.

Dig, if you will, a picture. Of you and I engaged in a SUP.

At exactly 12:15 your otherwise dreary workday will be electrified when I hit you with a text. The text will read: “up for da sup" followed by a shaka emoji in lieu of a question mark. Indeed it was never a question at all. Anticipating your excitement, my second text will confirm "I'll swing by at 6" punctuated by smiley face wearing sunglasses.

At exactly six, you'll find me out front in a gleaming white Toyota Tacoma with equally pristine paddleboard in the bed. This particular board, however, is not for your use, as you will soon understand. When we arrive at Gorge Performance, Bob Reuter himself will greet me as he would an old windsurfing buddy and escort us to a private room within which he's stashed his personal quiver of paddleboards. Of this selection, you will deliberate upon which speaks directly to your soul and take your choice of craft. If you are of smaller stature, Kim has offered one of hers to borrow as well.

I will ensure that you are provided a feather-light rental paddle, perfectly customized for your exact height.

Next, I will surprise you with the most exotic and buoyant personal flotation available. It will have a hint of fresh Douglas Sage, which I personally harvested from the most pristine playa in all of southern Oregon. There will also be a whistle, since Howly always puts your safety first.

When we arrive at the launch, you will be amazed at the natural scenery and wonder aloud how such a bountiful wilderness so close to our fair city has managed to escape your notice. We'll laugh about it. The gorgeousness of this scene will only be marred by a slight windchop upon the water. It is then that I reach into the shallows and retrieve an ice cold six-pack of the most refreshing microbrew that Bend has to offer.

I will then hit you doja style.

As we sip and talk story, the wind calms and evening glass sets in. We take to our boards and set off. I will offer encouragement by saying things like, "You're a natural" and "I like the look of that j stroke". You will teeter at times, but my confidence in your skills will buoy you. As magic hour unfolds, I will point out various river fowl such as egrets, osprey, and kingfishers. I will then guide you into a slackwater channel where we will sit on our boards and drink another beer while listening to beavers slap their tails to the water.

My ankles tingle just thinking about it.

As dusk settles, your glide will become effortless and your thrusts more rhythmic. You will want to SUP with me all night long. Although I could easily accommodate this, I know surfers tend to overestimate their stamina, plus you have a family to return to. I would not want such a perfect evening sullied by tension at home. As we loop back to dock, a glorious visage of the city skyline will present itself in the evening shadow with profound clarity. It will illuminate within you potentials hitherto unimagined. As if reading your mind, I'll remark, "We live in a city of dreams" and as I say this, the lights of the metropolis will all switch on at once.

You will drink another beer while I pack up our gear. Words will fail to capture the profundity of what we just experienced, so on the drive home I will regale you with other subjects such as occult geologies, Persian antiquities, and America's rich history of failed Utopias. When we arrive back at your place, I'll give you a fist bump and confirm that "It's been real" and "We should do this again sometime". You will walk to your door, sore but satiated, turning back to wave one last time as I depart. Standing at the door, hand on the knob, you will want nothing more than to SUP with me again... How will you explain this to your shortboard?

Damn.

[Major Lazer]

Hand job and Im all in.

HMU 503-408-2088