Why parents drink
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialled the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, ! the boss
asked "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the
child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the earpiece on t! he phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
ME."
Joke Of The Day
Moderator: Tex
by Wilbur Kookmeyer » Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:14 pm
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not have his "head up his @ss" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He has "MARRIAGE DEFICIT DISORDER."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not have his "head up his @ss" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He has "MARRIAGE DEFICIT DISORDER."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
-
Wilbur Kookmeyer - full of bull kelp.
- Posts: 9393
- Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 11:04 am
by The Betty » Fri Mar 17, 2006 3:29 pm
That last one inspired me to dig this one out....
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD
AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE
SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK
SOMEONE'S @ss AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW
LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST
FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE
FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE
EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT
HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND
CARRY ON EATING IT
6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE
THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOO
MUCH.
7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN
EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
SITTING NEXT TO US
9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH
GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING,
STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO
US.
11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN
ON THEIR OWN SO WE
KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS
EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME
REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE
CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
NO LONGER TASTE THE
GIN.
14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS
STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (er, or, the mop?)
15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING,
"DON'T TAKE THIS THE
WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN
WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN
MOVES.
18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR
(WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO
BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR
BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT
DOWN ON THE TIME WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY
FROM OUR DRINK.
20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S
THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD
AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE
SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK
SOMEONE'S @ss AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW
LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST
FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE
FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE
EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT
HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND
CARRY ON EATING IT
6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE
THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOO
MUCH.
7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN
EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
SITTING NEXT TO US
9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH
GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING,
STAND ON A TABLE AND
SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO
US.
11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN
ON THEIR OWN SO WE
KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS
EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME
REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE
CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
NO LONGER TASTE THE
GIN.
14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS
STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (er, or, the mop?)
15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING,
"DON'T TAKE THIS THE
WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN
WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN
MOVES.
18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR
(WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO
BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR
BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT
DOWN ON THE TIME WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY
FROM OUR DRINK.
20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S
THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
- The Betty
Da Syndicate!!
by Dano » Fri Mar 17, 2006 4:00 pm
The Honolulu Police Department received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the Ewa area and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Chang to investigate.
He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Get tree main groups in da cock-fightin hui,"
he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Chang replied confidently, "Get haoles, Portagees, and da Syndicate.
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Wuz easy cuz," he replied, "I wen' Ewa side and watched da cock fight.
Could tell had haoles when one duck was entered in da cock fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Chang intoned knowingly, "Well, I feegured get Portagees when someone wen' bet on da duck."
"Ah, yes," said the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Syndicate was involved?"
"Da duck wen' win."
DUCKS ALWAYS WIN, RIGHT BEAVS?
He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Get tree main groups in da cock-fightin hui,"
he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Chang replied confidently, "Get haoles, Portagees, and da Syndicate.
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Wuz easy cuz," he replied, "I wen' Ewa side and watched da cock fight.
Could tell had haoles when one duck was entered in da cock fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Chang intoned knowingly, "Well, I feegured get Portagees when someone wen' bet on da duck."
"Ah, yes," said the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Syndicate was involved?"
"Da duck wen' win."
DUCKS ALWAYS WIN, RIGHT BEAVS?
humbled!
-
Dano - leashless is no way to go through life
- Posts: 1411
- Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:16 pm
- Location: Ainokea
by finger » Mon Mar 20, 2006 6:58 pm
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results On
her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,
go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts
together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results On
her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,
go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each
breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts
together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Surfing builds characters
-
finger - Yay, I know the OSP fight song!
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2004 8:07 am
- Location: over here
by Gazsurf » Mon Mar 20, 2006 10:49 pm
Off the Surfer Mag Board
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY March 31, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY March 31, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
-
Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by ChrisMassy99 » Mon Mar 20, 2006 11:16 pm
You're so poor you can't even pay attention.
Damn, thats fresh!
Damn, thats fresh!
-
ChrisMassy99 - I wax the bottom of my board
- Posts: 109
- Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:55 am
- Location: beach
by Gazsurf » Thu Mar 23, 2006 5:35 pm
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..." Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spreadout!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or sevenangles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.""Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" askedMrs.Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um..."
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..." Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spreadout!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or sevenangles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.""Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" askedMrs.Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um..."
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by intrepid » Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:14 pm
One day a farmer decided that his old rooster needed to be replaced, so he went and got himself a young rooster to help the aging rooster. The farmer loved his old rooster and couldn't bear to kill it, so he figured that the younger rooster would take over most of the "duties" and the old rooster would get a few scraps here and there until he died of old age.
So the old rooster sees that he has been replaced by this younger more verile rooster, he decides to go over and have a chat.
The old rooster says to the young rooster, "So I see you're my replacement. Before you take over you will have to beat me in a race around the hen yard."
The young rooster looks at the old rooster and judges him to be pretty old and not very fast says, "Sure old one, but I'll beat you by a mile."
The old rooster replies, "I am old and not very fast, perhaps you could give me a slight head start."
The young rooster being full of himself agrees and gives the old rooster a pretty sizeable head start.
The old bird takes off running around the yard and makes it to the first post while the young rooster hadn't even left yet. Just before he reached the second corner the young bird takes off like a rocket and gains steady ground on the old rooster as he is running for the third corner.
By time the old rooster reaches the third corner the young bird is nearly at his heals. Just as he is about to overtake the old rooster, the young rooster explodes into a million feather tufts.
The farmer mutters to himself as he reloads his shotgun, "Dang nab it! That's the third gay rooster this month!"
So the old rooster sees that he has been replaced by this younger more verile rooster, he decides to go over and have a chat.
The old rooster says to the young rooster, "So I see you're my replacement. Before you take over you will have to beat me in a race around the hen yard."
The young rooster looks at the old rooster and judges him to be pretty old and not very fast says, "Sure old one, but I'll beat you by a mile."
The old rooster replies, "I am old and not very fast, perhaps you could give me a slight head start."
The young rooster being full of himself agrees and gives the old rooster a pretty sizeable head start.
The old bird takes off running around the yard and makes it to the first post while the young rooster hadn't even left yet. Just before he reached the second corner the young bird takes off like a rocket and gains steady ground on the old rooster as he is running for the third corner.
By time the old rooster reaches the third corner the young bird is nearly at his heals. Just as he is about to overtake the old rooster, the young rooster explodes into a million feather tufts.
The farmer mutters to himself as he reloads his shotgun, "Dang nab it! That's the third gay rooster this month!"
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intrepid - I tube ride side saddle
- Posts: 1107
- Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2005 7:46 pm
by thurgood jenkins » Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:38 pm
NICE 
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
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thurgood jenkins - flotsam
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:45 am
- Location: Richmond British Columbia
by The Betty » Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:22 pm
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.'
'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.'
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see.
Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'
'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.'
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see.
Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'
- The Betty
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