Joke Of The Day

[thurgood jenkins]

Great!

[SurferHo]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for
delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of
course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[nm]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers he gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:

"Red.....Cherry"
"Yellow.....Lemon"
"Green.....lime"
"Orange.....orange"

Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could indentify the taste.

"Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!! They're a-holes!"

[nm]

SUV BLACK BOXES

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 42 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh!t!"

Only the Northwestern side of the US, specifically Spokane, Butte, Missoula and Lewiston were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something."

[nm]

Living Will

While I was watching the four play-off games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

[SurferHo]

What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.

[SurferHo]

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[Fish]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
> >> No taxes,
> >> No debt,
> >> Plenty buffalo,
> >> Plenty beaver,
> >> Women did all the work,
> >> Medicine man free,
> >> Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
> >> All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[thurgood jenkins]

Plenty of beaver eh? Can't argue with that.

[Fish]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shite. Someone stole tent."

[nm]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[guppy]

An Arkansas couple, both genuine rednecks, had 9 children. They went to thedoctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly startedthe required procedure and asked them what finally made them make thedecision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn'twant a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[Gazsurf]

A COWBOY WALKS INTO A BAR IN TEXAS, ORDERS THREE MUGS OF BEER AND SITS IN THE BACK ROOM, DRINKING A SIP OUT OF EACH ONE IN TURN.

WHEN HE FINISHES THEM, HE COMES BACK TO THE BAR AND ORDERS THREE MORE.

THE BARTENDER APPROACHES AND TELLS HIM, "YOU KNOW, A MUG GOES FLAT AFTER I DRAW IT SO IT WOULD TASTE BETTER IF YOU BOUGHT JUST ONE AT A TIME."

THE COWBOY REPLIES, "WELL, YOU SEE, I HAVE TWO BROTHERS. ONE IS IN AUSTRALIA, THE OTHER IS IN DUBLIN AND I'M IN TEXAS. WHEN WE ALL LEFT WYOMING, WE PROMISED THAT WE'D DRINK THIS WAY TO REMEMBER THE DAYS WE WERE TOGETHER. SO I DRINK ONE FOR EACH OF MY BROTHERS AND ONE FOR MYSELF."

THE BARTENDER ADMITS THAT THIS IS A NICE CUSTOM AND LEAVES IT THERE. THE COWBOY BECOMES A REGULAR IN THE BAR, AND ALWAYS DRINKS THE SAME WAY. HE ORDERS THREE MUGS AND DRINKS THEM IN TURN.

ONE DAY, HE COMES IN AND ORDERS ONLY TWO MUGS!

ALL THE REGULARS TAKE NOTICE AND FALL SILENT. WHEN HE COMES BACK TO THE BAR FOR THE SECOND ROUND, THE BARTENDER SAYS, "I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE ON YOUR GRIEF, BUT I WANTED TO OFFER MY CONDOLENCES ON YOUR LOSS."

THE COWBOY LOOKS QUITE PUZZLED FOR A MOMENT, THEN A LIGHT DAWNS AND HE LAUGHS. "OH, NO, EVERYBODY'S JUST FINE," HE EXPLAINS...

"IT'S JUST THAT MY WIFE AND I JOINED THE BAPTIST CHURCH AND OBVIOUSLY I HAD TO QUIT DRINKING.

"HASN'T AFFECTED MY BROTHERS THOUGH."

[nm]

Best Little Convent in Texas


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize the signs are for real. He passes a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through a winding passage and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup and trots eagerly down the hall.

He slips through the door and finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

[nm]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5..."

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, South Carolina, and Washington DC.