Joke Of The Day

[Fish]

loved that one nmm

[holddown]

Hey Gaz, that's a pretty good one. I liked it even better when TJ posted it two weeks ago

[Gazsurf]

Go##amit that's what happens when I spend this much time on the net! I am gonna pull that puppy before the rest of the gang piles on.

[thurgood jenkins]

short but sweet

TWO TAMPONS WERE CROSSING THE STREET. THEY SEE A FRIEND. WHICH ONE WAVES?

NEITHER, THEY ARE BOTH STUCK UP C l_l NTS.

[thurgood jenkins]

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

[nm]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what your a-hole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

She replied "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."

[thurgood jenkins]

Thats a good one Wilbur,

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[thurgood jenkins]

Two for today:

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

[Trula]

Sorry, this one is a little long.

Only a Kentuckian could think of this .... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt.Sterling Ky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which
he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Ron Burgundy]

nice one trula

i wonder if that's legal? can they bust you for anything?

[Gazsurf]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don`t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman`s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don`t see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man`s penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK." The priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Then why don`t you stick it in that camel`s @ss and let`s get the hell out of here."

[Gazsurf]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God
asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman.


He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.


She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.


and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."


Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

[thurgood jenkins]

Nice One Gaz, here's one for Smithy and all the other skaters on here:

Q: How many skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes a thousand tries!

[thurgood jenkins]

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her @ss?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."