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When a parent starts the dying process

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When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:01 pm

So my mom is dying...she got diagnosed with glioblastoma last spring---same cancer that got Senator John McCain. The shit is aggressive as hell. They found a tumor the size of a small lime in her brain. The got 95% of it out and 7 months later it came back and is now even bigger.

The tumor is creating this zen like calm and peace for my mom- plus no pain. Really, if you got to choose a way to go out, this might be the way to go. Toughest part is that she is only 76....and was in really good shape health wise except for the tumor.

She hangs out around the house, pretty chill and she started hospice yesterday. I am lucky because I do not have any unfinished business with my mom and we have a super strong relationship. I am lucky I got so many months to start processing the idea of her dying.

Now we are trying to figure out the details/logistics of her actual death. She wants a wake, wants her body to stay in the house for a couple days and then get cremated and have the ashes spread around her property on Buck Mountain on Orcas Island.

Just thought I would throw it out here....see if anyone has already taken a ride on this train.

Thanks,

Tex
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby BOX » Mon Jan 14, 2019 1:53 pm

Hey, Tex. Thanks for sharing. As guys it’s sometimes hard to open up about these things, so good on you for reaching out. Even though this is the “Things that Don’t Matter” forum, it’s a reminder that there are things out there that do matter and for a lot us family supersedes all else, even surfing.

I haven’t been in the position you are in, but I’ve had scares with both of my parents. My mother had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer (in remission ~ 8 years now) and about 2 years ago my father had a staph infection come on so strong and quickly they didn’t think he’d make it (he miraculously did). I did have a lot of unfinished business with my father at the time and I’m still trying to close the respective gaps in my relationships with both my parents. You give me another reminder that I need to focus some more on healing those old wounds as both are in their 70s as well and, while they are both currently healthy and active, time is quietly passing.

It sounds as if your mom has a sense of serenity and acceptance, which I hope will lessen both of your pain in the time to come. Sounds like she has a great plan for her remains. I’m sure nothing will be easy, but hopefully the time to plan, make arrangements, and give family a chance to say goodbye will help. Hang in there, my friend. You have my support.

Wishing you much strength in the days ahead - BOX
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:55 pm

BOX- appreciate the hell out of your note. Means a lot man. Taking my wife and sons up to Orcas this weekend for a final farewell....heavy heavy shit.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Howly Wolf » Fri Jan 18, 2019 12:26 pm

There's an organization up on the Oly P called Monster and Sea. I don't know too much about them, but you can find them on the Gram. My impression is that they're a crew of wave riders who do outreach work with watermen (and women) battling cancer. One of their main events is a 24 hour surf marathon session to raise money or generate support for individuals facing the void. Maybe look into them when you have time & space-- the guy who runs it seems to share your aloha spirit. They're motto is "go because you can" which is damn good advice, especially for us working stiffs living in the valley.

Rooting for you, dude. Hang in there.
Last edited by Howly Wolf on Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Howly Wolf » Fri Jan 18, 2019 3:24 pm

Here's their website:

https://monsterandsea.com/
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby bluesilver » Tue Jan 22, 2019 11:07 am

Yeah my dad has had Parkinson's for several years. It's devolved into Dementia. He's been in various care facilities that handle this stuff for a while. He can't dress himself or eat himself anymore and he pretty much just stares at the ground and mumbles. He's only 62, but he will be gone very soon.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Mon Jan 28, 2019 8:04 am

updates coming....just putting one foot in front of the other right now....thanks for the support boys.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Tue Jan 29, 2019 10:46 pm

Blue- really sorry to hear about your pops. Man- I was so lucky to be with my mom while she was still able to connect on a mental and emotional level.

Still processing everything on my end, but I have some cool stories to share once I get in the right head space.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Spider » Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:03 pm

so sorry to hear that you are going through this. many years ago i lost my dad - he died very suddenly, also only 76 years old. it was completely unexpected. i think he knew deep down that this might happen, and while he was visiting me, he made some very remarkable comments, which made up for a lot that happened in the past.
during that same time period, i lost my best friend to cancer, and then lost my other best friend 6 years after. as hard and painful as these times were, i also learned so much from the whole process.
hard to write online, but if you want to talk sometime, pm me.

sending strength and clear waters
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Spent » Fri Feb 01, 2019 9:09 am

My wife's dad had some horrible blood cancer a few years back. He was in his early 70s but super adventurous. Love t travel, hike, story tell and tell story. It was so hard to see a man so full of life wither before his time. He finally died on her 40th birthday.

We scattered his ashes deep in the Sierra Nevada at this lake(totally illegal I'm sure). He'd tried to find this lake for years and the whole family was beginning to question its existence. After his diagnosis, finding it became a full on mission and finally my wife and her cousins found it. Anyway, its a way up there in the Hoover wilderness and now so is he. A couple of years later we went back up to pay our respects but the weather turned. I told my wife, I'd keep going for her. It was like something out of Lord of the Rings and I have to be honest I felt vey alone up there, until I got a little closer and I shit you not he began talking to me. It was pretty amazing and it was something to the effect of, 'Everything is as it should be. And it will all turn out OK.' Cold, wet and the day getting dark, I hoofed it down, full of life. Since then, I've taken my kid up even further beyond the summer snow line to yet another remote lake, and then she puked with altitude sickness. But we'd never have made it without my father-in-law.

Sorry for the tangent Tex. But those Zen moments you mention can be pretty special and enlightening. All the best to your family during this time.

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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Betty » Thu Feb 07, 2019 8:12 pm

Thinking bout you and your family
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Mon Feb 11, 2019 8:08 pm

Thanks Betty and Spider- it is so nice to see you back on the OSP- still recall that time we finally got to hang out a bit at Kennedy School, I really enjoyed that.

Still not real- still not able to really put words on the page yet. But the positive energy on this thread is helping more than you will ever know.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby bluesilver » Thu Feb 21, 2019 12:59 pm

Yeh just heard my friends 5 year old some has brain cancer. f@#K this shit
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Howly Wolf » Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:09 pm

bluesilver wrote:Yeh just heard my friends 5 year old some has brain cancer.


That's so fn terrible-- can't even imagine what the family is going through, explaining that to a kid, dealing with treatment, and coping with that at the same time. Best wishes to your friends, bluesilver, and here's hoping things work out for the best.
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Re: When a parent starts the dying process

Postby Tex » Sat Feb 23, 2019 11:45 am

Seen my mom pass, seen my bro pass....not sure any of that would even come close to the pain of losing one of my sons.
Prayers are heading your way Blue....also for the family.
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