Joke Of The Day
by nm » Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:02 am
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, ' I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug'.
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
-
nm - somebody call my lawyer
- Posts: 3582
- Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:59 am
by nm » Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:34 pm
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a good looking man .
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a good looking man .
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
-
nm - somebody call my lawyer
- Posts: 3582
- Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:59 am
by nm » Thu Jul 19, 2007 8:54 am
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitten who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'Fukk,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitten who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'Fukk,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
-
nm - somebody call my lawyer
- Posts: 3582
- Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:59 am
by Gazsurf » Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:01 am
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little
PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his
hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what ever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him his name.
"lil Johnny," he responds.
"And what is your question, lil Johnny?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his
hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what ever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him his name.
"lil Johnny," he responds.
"And what is your question, lil Johnny?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
-
Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by Gazsurf » Mon Jul 30, 2007 2:02 pm
South Africa questions
These are actual questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it raining on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? ( Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: ....and what did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
These are actual questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it raining on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? ( Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: ....and what did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
-
Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
- Fish
- boogie boarders run ME over!
- Posts: 1742
- Joined: Fri May 05, 2006 8:00 pm
- Location: We're gonna need a bigger boat aren't we?
by nasty » Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:14 am
The United States Postal Service created a 41-cent first-class stamp
with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to
envelopes, which enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential
commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.
with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to
envelopes, which enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential
commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.
- nasty
by nasty » Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:14 pm
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
- nasty
by Gazsurf » Thu Aug 16, 2007 1:26 pm
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around
for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone
interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he was just pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it
midnight already?"
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around
for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone
interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he was just pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it
midnight already?"
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
-
Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by nasty » Tue Aug 28, 2007 11:22 am
"You know you're a redneck when .... "
1. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
2. You missed your 5th grade graduation, because you were on jury duty.
3. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.
7. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
8. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
9. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
1. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
2. You missed your 5th grade graduation, because you were on jury duty.
3. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. You consider your license plate personalized, because your father made it.
7. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
8. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
9. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- nasty
by nasty » Tue Aug 28, 2007 10:34 pm
Wilbur Kookmeyer was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' Wilbur replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied kookmeyer.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' Wilbur replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back..
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You a**-hole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' Wilbur replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied kookmeyer.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' Wilbur replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back..
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You a**-hole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!
- nasty
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