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Joke Of The Day

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Postby Gazsurf » Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:21 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
> > ostrich behind him.
> >
> > The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A
> > hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
> > ostrich, "What's yours?"
> >
> > "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> >
> > A short time later the waitress returns with the
> > order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man
> > reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
> > for payment.
> >
> > The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
> > the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The
> > ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man
> > reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> >
> > This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
> >
> > "The usual?" asks the waitress.
> >
> > "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,
> > baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says
> > the ostrich.
> >
> > Shortly the waitress brings! the order and says, "That
> > will be $32.62."
> >
> > Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
> > pocket and places it on the table.
> >
> > The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
> >
> > "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
> > with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
> >
> > "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
> > cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
> > rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
> > My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
> > anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
> > the right amount of money would always be there."
> >
> > "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
> > would wish for a million dollars or something, but
> > you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
> > you live!"
> >
> > " That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
> > Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says
> > the man.
> >
> > The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the
> > ostrich?"
> >
> > The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish
> > was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I
> > say."
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby finger » Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:56 am

Keith, the midget calls work and says: "Hey boss, I’m not going to come into work today. I’m really sick. I’ve got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs really hurt.
So I won’t be in today.

The boss says: "You know Keith, I really need you today. When I feel sick like that I go
to my wife and tell her, give me sex-wild, crazy sex. That makes everything better and I end up going to work. You try that."

Two hours later Keith calls in again: "Boss, You’re right, I did what you said and I feel great. I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:57 am

The ides that he is a midget makes it even funnier.

Midgets are cool.

i would like to date a midget....wait..we covered that already.

Nevermind.
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Oct 11, 2005 9:33 am

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:17 pm

Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:41 am

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
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Postby nm » Fri Oct 14, 2005 11:15 am

LMAO!

I'm sending that one to all my IRS buddies.........:lol:
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Postby finger » Sat Oct 15, 2005 9:01 am

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".


Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus. I'm fockin' focked," says he. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way." But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
"Get up Paddy.Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Mon Oct 17, 2005 4:11 pm

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Mon Oct 17, 2005 4:47 pm

surfinSparky wrote:checked a few places on saturday and it was victory at sea in all locations.. but I went out anyway.. it was a meal of nothing but soup.. but better then going hungry..
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby Koo Nass » Mon Oct 17, 2005 5:19 pm

Wilbur Kookmeyer wrote:Listen Spatch..I mean Sparky


Still the funniest thing I've read all day. Spatch...cracks me up. I'm gonna have to start working that into my regular vocabulary.


i.e. " You're sucha Spatch"
Koo Nass
 

Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Oct 18, 2005 1:25 pm

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:03 am

Another midget joke:

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds. The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?"
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Postby finger » Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:41 am

Grandma and Grandpa were married forever, when Grandma got sick and slipped into a coma. During a consultation with Grandpa, her doctor suggested that they “pull the plug” and let her quietly slip away.

Grandpa was devastated and cried out “No, I love her so much and I’m not ready to say goodbye”. He went on and on until the doctor remembered that he has been reading in a medical journal that a European medical team had done some studies and found that oral sex has brought some comatose patients out of their comas and asked if Grandpa would be willing to try that.

Grandpa replied “Of course, I’ll try that. We’ve never done anything like that before, but I love her so much and at this point, I’ll try anything.

So, to insure their privacy, the doctor hooked Grandma up to an EKG machine and would monitor her from an adjoining room at the hospital. While Grandma and Grandpa were doing their thing, the doctor watched the EKG. “Beep, beep, beep” went the machine for a few minutes when all of a sudden the machine went
“Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”, meaning that Grandma had flat lined and had died.

The doctor went rushing in and asked Grandpa what had happened.

Grandpa replied, “I don’t know, maybe she choked”
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Fri Oct 21, 2005 4:13 pm

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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