A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Joke Of The Day
by thurgood jenkins » Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:53 am
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
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thurgood jenkins - flotsam
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by thurgood jenkins » Thu Dec 01, 2005 11:58 am
Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
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thurgood jenkins - flotsam
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by Gazsurf » Fri Dec 02, 2005 6:43 pm
A County Deputy pulled a car over on Hwy US 41 about 2 miles north of the Wis / Mich state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Green Bay to do a show that night at the Casino, where he had a gig and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was! doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my @ss to jail -- there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was! doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my @ss to jail -- there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
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- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by Gazsurf » Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:07 pm
The Men Commandments
Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BS!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good @ss-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "f@#K OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
38.)
A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.
Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BS!'.
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good @ss-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "f@#K OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
38.)
A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by Cliff Clavin » Tue Dec 06, 2005 5:31 pm
38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.
But why?
But why?
Women: If they're not turning down your proposals for marriage, they're accusing you of suspicious behavior in the women's lingerie changing room.
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Cliff Clavin - Plover Murderer
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:55 pm
- Location: at da bah!
by Gazsurf » Tue Dec 06, 2005 6:06 pm
gazsurf wrote:The Men Commandments
Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.
I know this is redundant Cliff but you're relieved of your membership, sorry mate.
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
-
Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by thurgood jenkins » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:39 am
A baby seal goes into a bar and waddles onto a bar stool.
The bartender says, "What will you have?"
The baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
The bartender says, "What will you have?"
The baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
-
thurgood jenkins - flotsam
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:45 am
- Location: Richmond British Columbia
by thurgood jenkins » Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:52 am
Bison and his wife were lying in bed at their farm house one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
-
thurgood jenkins - flotsam
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:45 am
- Location: Richmond British Columbia
by thurgood jenkins » Thu Dec 08, 2005 3:10 pm
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I’ve made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It’s a planet," replied God, "and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it EARTH and it’s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What’s that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That’s Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There’s beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them."
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I’ve made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It’s a planet," replied God, "and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it EARTH and it’s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What’s that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That’s Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There’s beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them."
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
-
thurgood jenkins - flotsam
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:45 am
- Location: Richmond British Columbia
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