Joke Of The Day

[Chunderkat]

In poor taste:

What's the difference between priests and acne? Acne doesn't usually come on boys faces until there at least 13 years old.

[Guest]

Maybe I told this one already but here goes:

What's the difference between a Kiteboarder and a Pizza?

You can leave the Kite Boarder in the oven without worrying about him/her burning.


(Hey, joke, Kiting fellows. What are you doing on here anyway? )

[thurgood jenkins]

Chunderkat, that was sweet gotsto remember that one!

[Fish]

Very un PC one:

How is it that you never see any Isrealis or Arabs on Star Trek?

[Gazsurf]

Funny tho'!

[thurgood jenkins]

Parrot-Prostitutes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[Trula]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a
$30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and
asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he
will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure.
I
have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll
have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She
finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this
as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean what in
the
world is this?"
> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone." (Your singing it, aren't you?) ever take life too
seriously!

[nm]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

To which the little girl replied, "I will if those a-holes at Home Depot ever deliver the freakin sheet rock..."

[finger]

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Well, one shucks between fits and the other..................

[thurgood jenkins]

Car Crash

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

[thurgood jenkins]

okay I've been out of the loop lately lots of issues in my life as of late but here goes nuttin...

petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."

[nm]

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

Sweet!

[Gazsurf]

Hooked me!

[Gazsurf]

Nothing to see here folks just keep moving along thank you!