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Joke Of The Day

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Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:57 am

Nice, Koo, thats the best one so far....
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Postby Doc » Tue Sep 27, 2005 10:19 pm

Not really a joke...but a pretty funny post from a blog I peruse...

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now, I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet
the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled. So I told her to f**k off


Doc
"If you don't surf...don't start".
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Postby Fish » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:29 am

Koo is that a staright out quote? Awesome!
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:54 pm

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road at 80 mph and enjoyed the wind blowing through
what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I -75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he
thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked
up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I will let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper as he walked away.
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Postby Gazsurf » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:56 pm

Good one!
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby Fish » Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:57 pm

:lol:
Fish
 

Men are from Mars

Postby Fish » Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:45 pm

HER DIARY:

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On
the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I
love
you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
not! hing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He
seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10
minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my
caress and we made love but I still felt that he was distracted and his
thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore
so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen
asleep. I started crying and
cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for shite.
Got laid though
Fish
 

Postby Fish » Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:47 pm

Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.


When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

--------
Fish
 

Postby Koo Nass » Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:55 am

The real reason that the Gulf Coast is so fuct'd up

Image
Koo Nass
 

Postby thurgood jenkins » Thu Sep 29, 2005 9:32 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
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Postby Koo Nass » Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:04 am

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "smoking a doobie, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree; ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and tokin' on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says,
"ffuuucccckkkk dude.............how much water did you DRINK?!!"
Koo Nass
 

Postby hansl » Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:51 pm

This lawyer gets pulled over while driving through a small town one afternoon. The lawyers ego swells up as he thinks, “I am better educated then this small town cop,” I can talk my way out of this ticket. Cop walks up and says, license and registration. Lawyer asks why he was stopped. Cop says you did not come to a complete stop at the stop sign. Lawyer says define coming to a complete stop and slowing down. Cop says, the is you must come to a complete stop at a stop sign, license and registration. Lawyer says I’ll be glad to pay the ticket but not until you can define the difference between coming to a complete stop or slowing down. Cop thinks for a moment and then says, ok, out of the car. Then he takes his night stick out and starts whaling away on the lawyers head. As the lawyer drops to the ground in the fetal position the cops says, ok, now sir, would you like me to come to a complete stop or just slow down?
ah hell, somebody ride back and get a shitload of dimes!
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:55 am

Since it's Friday, heres three jokes to help us all get through this terrible day of work as we all know that while we read this it's bombing out the back...

1. George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."


2. WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.



3. Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
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Postby Fish » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:27 pm

Good ones Reverend!
Fish
 

Postby Fish » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:10 pm

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Fish
 

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