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Joke Of The Day

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Postby thurgood jenkins » Mon Oct 24, 2005 1:20 pm

Savage:

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a-hole before prison, ..."
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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Postby Bison » Mon Oct 24, 2005 1:28 pm

I'm quitting.. :lol:
no weak heart shall prosper
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:29 pm

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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Postby Fish » Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:57 pm

The School Play


(If this doesn't make you laugh, there is absolutely no hope for your day!)

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first
school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.

The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a
kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a
bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with
grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to
speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking
out
upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen.

So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..... "My fair maiden.... I
have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of
shite, horse shite, this is bull shite... I never wanted to be in this lousy
play anyway" ...



The audience left howling!
Fish
 

Postby Gazsurf » Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:27 am

Blind man went 4 job in wood yard saying he could identify wood with is nose . they tested him on different types & he guessed right eachh time . 2 catch him out the secretary lay down naked. he sniffed +asked the wood 2b turned over , he sniffed again . can't fool me he said , its an old sh*thouse door taken off a tuna boat
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:30 am

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I got to tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat? 'I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of
the bar with a big smile on his face. What are you happy about today
John? "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well
Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..... She had a penis, Dave! She had this great BIG penis! ... and I Can't swim Dave! I Can't swim!"
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby Fish » Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:54 pm

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?" Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the
sidewalk on EucalyptusStreet." The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St., that's O-A-K."
Fish
 

Postby thurgood jenkins » Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:19 pm

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F#ck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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Postby Chunderkat » Tue Nov 01, 2005 5:43 pm

dated, but:
At a recent press conference Bush was asked what he thought about Roe vs. Wade and he replied, "I don't care how those people get out of New Orleans"....
|^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| BEER ............| ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)
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Postby nm » Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:17 pm

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:59 pm

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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Postby finger » Wed Nov 02, 2005 4:20 pm

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest
had a small bell attached to his privates and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The
beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Dave.

Poor Dave. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby
foliage. Embarrassed, Dave quickly scrambled to where the bell came
to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.
Surfing builds characters
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Postby Fish » Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:09 pm

Ha ha ha. Good one finger!
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Postby Koo Nass » Thu Nov 03, 2005 9:10 am

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of @ss!"
Koo Nass
 

Postby thurgood jenkins » Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:03 am

McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Q. What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A. It's the little boy inside him.

Q. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
A. It's called the Jackson Five and Under.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
A. Cause there's twenty of them.

Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?
A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael...

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?
A. Cause there's twenty of them.

What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy


Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Stewie Griffin
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