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Joke Of The Day

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Joke Of The Day

Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:50 pm

So I was thinking this would be a good thing to add to the off topic forum, I think it would help all of us folks with jobs to make getting through the day easier. Here's one:

Tequila:

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." and
finally says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee
tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in
it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid.
Smells like tequila, so he takes a sip and it is the best tequila he has
ever
tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of
the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it.
Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard and he proceeds to fill them.
The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks
until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks
him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you drink from
the bottle.
Arriba !
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Wed Sep 21, 2005 8:20 am

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I
think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the
last ten questions myself."
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Postby nm » Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:13 am

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him 2 enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in.+PENIS+

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

"PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH"
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Postby SooLoo » Wed Sep 21, 2005 1:53 pm

Image
SooLoo
 

Postby Koo Nass » Wed Sep 21, 2005 2:21 pm

Puerto Rican Army Knife

Image
Koo Nass
 

Postby Fish » Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:22 pm

Haven't I seen you before?"
== "Nice @ss."


"I'm a Romantic."
== "I'm poor."


"I need you"
== "My hand is tired."


"I am different from all the other guys"
== "I am not circumcised."


"I want a commitment."
== "I'm sick of masturbation."


"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


"I really want to get to know you better."
== "So I can tell my friends about it."


"It's just orange juice, try it."
== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."


"She's kinda cute."
== "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."


"I don't know if I like her"
== "She won't sleep with me."


"I miss you so much"
== "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."


"Was it good for you?"
== "I'm insecure about my manhood."


"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
== "Is my penis really that small?"


"I had a wonderful time last night."
== "Who the hell are you?"


"Do you love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you might find out."


"Do you 'really' love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out
sooner or later."


"How much do you love me?"
== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their
way to tell you by now."


"I have something to tell you."
== "Get tested."


"I'll give you a call."
== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."


"I've been thinking a lot."
== "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


"I think we should just be friends."
== "You're ugly."


"I've learned a lot from you."
== "Next!!!!"
Fish
 

Postby thurgood jenkins » Thu Sep 22, 2005 8:56 am

A Woman walks in to a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things
will
happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription".
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Postby nm » Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:26 am

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare @ss" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross."





|^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| BEER ................. | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@)(@)***|(@)
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somebody call my lawyer
 
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Postby Bison » Thu Sep 22, 2005 9:01 pm

Image
Last edited by Bison on Thu Sep 22, 2005 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
no weak heart shall prosper
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Thu Sep 22, 2005 9:08 pm

So this underwater Welder walks into a bar........
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby holddown » Fri Sep 23, 2005 8:37 am

I have an old Grizzly joke from Montana that can be converted to surfing. First I need a couple of characters with tough, masculine names...

OK, how about Sunny and Kelly.

So Sunny & Kelly decide to go out in a secluded secret Oregon surf spot, even though it "felt" sharky. They each rode a few waves, then were sitting together out in the lineup when they spotted a gray dorsal fin protruding through the surface of the water. Sunny immediately started to sprint paddle toward the shore. Kelly shouted, "What are you doing, don't you know you can't paddle faster than a shark?" Sunny replied, "I don't need to paddle faster than the shark, I just need to out-paddle you."
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:21 am

Sent to me by a lday I used to work with:

Diary of a six day Bahamas cruise.
DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my
pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and
dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his
table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very
attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room! . We had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if
I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:21 pm

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, "Simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Postby thurgood jenkins » Tue Sep 27, 2005 9:25 am

What do you call a gay Jamaican?

Pokemon.
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Postby Koo Nass » Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:33 am

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Koo Nass
 

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