oregonsurf.com

i get jokes

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light, while not really paying attention.

The driver got out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's when the fight started.

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man,
and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches
in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to
the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes
CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in
California, Aspen Colorado and Miami. There is over thirty million
dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful
as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!"

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him.

Pitch to the Rhino.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge and true love dare visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a
dick.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK


1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "George Bush".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"George Bush ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?


Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney..... ...

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a
> beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
> over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
>
>
>
> Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
> noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
> right now.
>
>
>
> As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
> salesman standing right behind her.
>
>
>
> Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
> greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
>
>
>
> Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
> there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
> price of this lovely bracelet?"
>
>
>
> He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
> shite when I tell you the price.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering, approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

today was my grandmothers 90th birthday party,
my uncle, who is married to a chinese woman left a little early,
but not before ending the discusssion at our table about chinese food, with this joke.

A chinese newlywed couple are finding their love life a little uninspired. the wife asks if the husband has any ideas about makiing things more exciting in the realm of romance.
"I would like to try a 69 maybe," says the man.
She asks,"But I don't get it, why would you want the Kung Pao Chicken?"

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. One day he came home with another one of his unusual purchases: a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called S-- Queen.'’

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Underwear dust


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow

little jonny's mom opens up jonny's bedroom door and catches jonny wacking his wire. little jonny's moms says "jonny! stop that! if you keep that up you'll go blind."

little jonny replied, "it's alright, i'll stop when i need glasses."

Q: How do you get a hippy chick pregnant?


A: Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest.

wetchicken wrote:Q: How do you get a hippy chick pregnant?


A: Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest.

wait wheres that vomit emoticon