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Joke Of The Day

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Postby Gazsurf » Wed Jul 29, 2009 10:54 pm

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?' The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. Yes, Iam Jesus' he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you togive Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you beJ esus?' Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.' The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?' Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.' The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen inshock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It s a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby nm » Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:22 am

Doug and Andy are sitting on either side of the coffee table in the Botwin's living room.

Doug: It's called the Vajanus.

Andy: I've never heard it called the vajanus, it's called the taint.

Doug: We need an impartial mediator

Andy: Hey, Lupita? What do you call the thing between the dick and the a-hole?

Lupita: The coffee table.
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Postby holddown » Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:48 am

Image
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Postby bluesilver » Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:46 pm

wow Holddown, did not see that one coming anytime soon.
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Postby Lame Nullson » Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:36 pm

Looks like he's got a dead surfer hood ornament. A Statement?
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Postby nm » Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:46 am

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said. "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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Postby bluesilver » Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:02 am

lol good one
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Postby pra_ggresion » Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:45 pm

Hey I saw a similar version in the amendment explanation catalogue. It's still on my fridge.
Potato salad or die!
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Postby speelyei » Wed Sep 02, 2009 7:16 pm

a travelling salesman is going door to door in a neighborhood. He walks up to a modest little house with a neatly trimmed yard, and knocks on the door.

A little boy about 8 years old answers the door. He's holding a scotch and soda in one hand, a lit cigar in the other, and has a Penthouse magazine rolled up under his arm.

The salesman raises his eyebrows and says "Uh, Son, are your Mommy or Daddy home?"

The little boy looks puffs his cigar, and then slowly takes a sip of his drink, and says, "Jesus Mister, what do you think?"
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Postby Morgan » Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:41 pm

Q : What is a Rabbi's favorite beer?

A : Anything He Brew!

guffah!
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Postby Gazsurf » Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:29 am

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,ā€¯ I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in allcategories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby Gazsurf » Sat Oct 31, 2009 4:49 pm

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby SoyAvenger » Sat Nov 07, 2009 4:59 pm

a friend of mine found out his 15 year old daughter had a boyfriend, so he took her down to the doctor to get some birth control. the doctor asked him if is daughter was sexually active, he said, "hell no, she just lays there like her mother!"
doing a good deed is like pissing in your wetsuit, you get a warm feeling but no one else notices
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Postby Gazsurf » Wed Dec 02, 2009 12:56 pm

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide
between the iron or the wood.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks
like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be released?
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you
can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She's teaching Phil
Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

Did you hear about Tiger's last outing? He drove into a tree, then
ended up with a bad lie.

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was a
bitching wedge.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a
ball 350 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby Gazsurf » Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:48 pm

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common?
They both get clubbed by Vikings.
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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