Joke Of The Day

[Gazsurf]

Now that's funny!

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

God created teh heavens and earth and bestowed life upon the earth. He thought to himself that this place needed a ruler so he made man in his image and set him free uponthe earth.

God noticed that man was sad. So God came to Adam and tells him "Adam, I have brought wonderful things for you!". " I bring both joysous and wonderful news, but there is a downside."

Thank you God!" Adam exitedly proclaimed. "Tell me...what are the wonderful things you have brought me?"

Well Adam, I have given you a woman so that you will not be lonely."

"A woman?" Adam inquired.

"Yes" God told him, "A woman, whith whom you will mate and spawn the human life on the plantet. You will have her at your service whenever you wish!"

"Thank you God!" Adam was beside himself with joy.

"That is not all my son" God continued, "I have given you a wonderful brain so that you can plan civilization, reason, think things through and make wonderful decisions that will better man kind until such a day that I will cal you all home to live in the Kingdom of Heaven."

Adam, near tears from the joy "God...you have given to me more than I could have ever hope for!"

"There is more Adam...I have given you a wonderful penis that you will surely please any woman that may want to lay with you. You will be able to enjoy yourself to amazing heights of pleasure!"

"God.."Adam was speechless..."You are truly amazing. Tell me thow...what is this 'down side' you spoke of?"

"God scratched his beard and snickering said..."I only gave you enough blood to use one at a time."

The world....was certainly doomed.

[Fish]

my brain must not use much blood.

[thurgood jenkins]

Nice one Wanty, I enjoyed yours too Wilbur. We got some good material coming in on this thread.

[Fish]

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my @ss for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a-holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat @ss and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Hey, Sh!t came out and not guano! yessss, I have the secret!

[redliner]

shhhh.....!t. Don't tell EVERYONE!

[Bison]

You're a Seaside local if...

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters, your sisters.
-Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
-Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
-Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

[Gazsurf]

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why don’t blind men skydive?
`coz it scares the shite out of the guide dog.

[Search and Destroy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
> behind him. The
> waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and
> a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
> "That will be $9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
> out the exact change
> for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
> man says, "A
> hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll
> have the same."
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
> exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The
> usual?" asks the
> waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
> steak, baked potato,
> and salad," says the man.
>
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That
> will be $32.62."
> Once again the man pulls the ! exact change out of his
> pocket and places it
> on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse me, sir.
> How do you manage to always come up with the exact
> change out of your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning
> the attic and found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
> offered me two wishes.
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
> anything, I would just put
> my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
> always be there."
>
> That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
> wish for a million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
> you want for as long
> as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
> Royce, the exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
> for a tall chick
> with a big @ss and long legs who agrees with everything
> I say."
>

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter .... (How cold was it?)
...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

[Koo Nass]

A bunny rabbit and a snake have been living in a cave in total darkness for their entire lives. One day they decide to to try to figure out what they are.

So the snake feels on the rabbit and says, "You've got big ears, huge feet, and a cotton tail. You must be a rabbit."

Then the rabbit starts to feel the snake and responds, " You're slick, low to the ground and have no balls. You must be a lawyer."

[holddown]

Here's a few for lolo macolo:

What's the difference between a Montana girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

What's the difference between a Montana girl and a Rolls Royce?
Not everyone's been in a Rolls Royce.

edit: last two deleted because the Montana Women's Steer Wrestling Foundation called and threatened to burn my house down

[Search and Destroy]

bestcommercialever.mpg (1.57 MB)

[Gazsurf]

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German brat-wurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,

why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

[finger]

Saturday morning I got up early, packed my wetsuit, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the surfboard onto the truck. I proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph. I left, but the going was ugly. So I pulled back into the garage, turned on the weather radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out surfing in that mess ".