Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victoria's Secret
10... Does this come in children's sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat @ss into that.
Joke Of The Day
Moderator: Tex
by Gazsurf » Mon Jan 16, 2006 11:06 am
Bob McKnight, CEO of the global surfing themed clothing brand, Quicksilver has shocked the surfing community by abruptly shutting down all operations.
"I may face jail time." McKnight said in a 52 page fax that was sent to surf clothing retailers like Pac Sun and Tilly's.
"We are so totally bummed, this is the worst thing that ever happened to me." said Kyle Ripsnot an employee at Ron Jon's, the world's largest surf themed retail outlet. "It's appropriate that this happened on Martin Luther King Jr. day because Bob McKnight had a dream too. It was a dream that every kid in Jr. High school would have a retro green Kelly Slater signature backpack." Ripsnot added fighting off tears.
McKnight was listed as the number one most powerful person in the surfing world according to Surfer magazine, the self described "bible" of the sport of surfing.
"This is so weak," sobbed Chris Mauro, Surfer magazine editor, "the Quicksilver guys always took me out to nice lunches at Duke's. Now it's gone. This day will be known as Super Duper Black Monday in the surfing world for now on"
Already surf retailers were doubling and even tripling the prices of Quicksilver t-shirts and jeans. Many Quicksilver items were already seen fetchig high bids on the online auction site E-Bay. "I heard Brian Austin Green from Beverly Hills 90210 was selling off his entire collection of vintage day glo pink puffy ink Quicksilver shirts from the 80's." said 21 year old Sun Diego shopper Missy Booblerue.
Other surfwear companies like Volcolm and Billabong swore they would ramp up production to help fill the void Quicksilver will leave. "McKnight left big shoes to fill," said Volcolm warehouse worker Douglas Rail, "I think he wore a size 10 and we are like, totally already out of stock."
"We are increasing the hourly whippings at our Chinese factories to every 15 minutes in order to increase production and fill the void left by Quicksilver." said Billabong rep Body Jones. "We hope to have the mall stores like Extreme Action Surf restocked by summer."
"Mr. McKnight gave me gobs of money to go surfing and I will miss that," said 7 time world surfing champ and Quicksilver team rider Kelly Slater. "I would also like to take this time to announce my new sponsorship with the Gap."
"I may face jail time." McKnight said in a 52 page fax that was sent to surf clothing retailers like Pac Sun and Tilly's.
"We are so totally bummed, this is the worst thing that ever happened to me." said Kyle Ripsnot an employee at Ron Jon's, the world's largest surf themed retail outlet. "It's appropriate that this happened on Martin Luther King Jr. day because Bob McKnight had a dream too. It was a dream that every kid in Jr. High school would have a retro green Kelly Slater signature backpack." Ripsnot added fighting off tears.
McKnight was listed as the number one most powerful person in the surfing world according to Surfer magazine, the self described "bible" of the sport of surfing.
"This is so weak," sobbed Chris Mauro, Surfer magazine editor, "the Quicksilver guys always took me out to nice lunches at Duke's. Now it's gone. This day will be known as Super Duper Black Monday in the surfing world for now on"
Already surf retailers were doubling and even tripling the prices of Quicksilver t-shirts and jeans. Many Quicksilver items were already seen fetchig high bids on the online auction site E-Bay. "I heard Brian Austin Green from Beverly Hills 90210 was selling off his entire collection of vintage day glo pink puffy ink Quicksilver shirts from the 80's." said 21 year old Sun Diego shopper Missy Booblerue.
Other surfwear companies like Volcolm and Billabong swore they would ramp up production to help fill the void Quicksilver will leave. "McKnight left big shoes to fill," said Volcolm warehouse worker Douglas Rail, "I think he wore a size 10 and we are like, totally already out of stock."
"We are increasing the hourly whippings at our Chinese factories to every 15 minutes in order to increase production and fill the void left by Quicksilver." said Billabong rep Body Jones. "We hope to have the mall stores like Extreme Action Surf restocked by summer."
"Mr. McKnight gave me gobs of money to go surfing and I will miss that," said 7 time world surfing champ and Quicksilver team rider Kelly Slater. "I would also like to take this time to announce my new sponsorship with the Gap."
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by XBlueSilverX » Mon Jan 16, 2006 11:52 am
gaz, funny man
koo---
Are you kidding me? this is a great way to pick-up on the hot lady behind the counter! ..if you know how to work it i guess.. but you woulden't want to yell it.. you gotta be gentile like,.
koo---
4...Will you model this for me???
Are you kidding me? this is a great way to pick-up on the hot lady behind the counter! ..if you know how to work it i guess.. but you woulden't want to yell it.. you gotta be gentile like,.
The problem with real life? There's no danger music..
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XBlueSilverX - flinches for foamies
- Posts: 2097
- Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2004 11:01 am
- Location: Washington
by Fish » Thu Jan 19, 2006 6:15 pm
This one is for foulpete:
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop
said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
- Fish
by gills » Thu Jan 19, 2006 7:45 pm
So a teenage peguin walks into a bar and the the bartender quickly confronts him, "Can I help you?"
The penguin says, "Yeah, I'm looking for my dad, I can't find him anywhere...have you seen him in here?"
The bartender replies, "That depends, what does he look like?"
The penguin says, "Yeah, I'm looking for my dad, I can't find him anywhere...have you seen him in here?"
The bartender replies, "That depends, what does he look like?"
- gills
- Fish
by Fish » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:33 pm
Here's a joke that hits home. Right Koo Nass?
The Old Man and his Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in he world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a
moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook..my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
The Old Man and his Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in he world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a
moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook..my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
- Fish
by Koo Nass » Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:28 am
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my G*d!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
- Koo Nass
by Gazsurf » Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:46 am
Math 1950-2006
The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero mojado vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. ¿Cuanto ganan el?
--------------------
"I believe it's better to light one candle than promise a million bulbs."
The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero mojado vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. ¿Cuanto ganan el?
--------------------
"I believe it's better to light one candle than promise a million bulbs."
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Gazsurf - the kook whisperer
- Posts: 5984
- Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 7:22 pm
- Location: Your head
by Koo Nass » Fri Jan 27, 2006 9:50 am
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination...
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Kerry, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
- Koo Nass
by thurgood jenkins » Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:03 am
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he
asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he
asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Stewie Griffin
Stewie Griffin
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thurgood jenkins - flotsam
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:45 am
- Location: Richmond British Columbia
by nm » Mon Jan 30, 2006 10:07 am
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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nm - somebody call my lawyer
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