Joke Of The Day

[Gazsurf]

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a NYC public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, a White House spokesman said authorities believe the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said.

"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like `x' and `y' and refer to themselves as unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of mediaeval, with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

[Gazsurf]

Dagga= Pot for clarification. The cops in my hometown are as smart as ever, enjoy!

Durbna Metro police constable Gavin de Villiers thought he would impress his wife by buying her a tea-time treat. She had planned to work late at the Metro Police fines processing department, so she would have no time to make supper, he explained.

So when he saw a middle-aged respectable-looking woman selling bran muffins in the Durban's Pine Street, he asked her how much they were.

She was charging R78 for two dozen - cheaper than a supermarket - and they looked nice and hot too.

The plain-clothed policeman took the big batch back to his wife and the generous couple distributed them among their work colleagues, including police officers."In the end, my wife decided not to work late. She said she was feeling funny. "She had a headache; her head was spinning and her fingers were tingling."

Once she got home, she began to receive calls from her work friends reporting that they too were feeling odd and going to their doctors.

De Villiers decided to take his wife to the doctor too and suspecting her symptoms might be from the one muffin she had eaten, he asked the doctor to do a drug test. It proved positive for dagga.

Advised to drink a lot of water and fluids, his wife was still off work on Thursday and will be confined to her bed again on Friday.

A total of six people who had eaten the muffins laced with dagga also went off sick, he said. "I'm a very suspicious person, but this woman did not in any way seem suspicious.

"The muffins looked and tasted perfectly normal," said the constable, who ate two, but did not have any side effects.

He broke one of his muffins in half to show the Daily News the cunning chef's added ingredient: minute pieces of green dagga.

The recipe did not go down too well with the law and on Thursday, the policeman returned to the roadside spot where the muffin-seller had plied her illegal cannabis cakes.

However, she had not set up business, and the constable learned that she did not turn up every day. The next time she returns from another baking bonanza, the police might have her on their own menus.

Six other muffin-sellers have been arrested in the same area in recent months, Metro Police spokesperson, Superintendent Alex Wright said.

[nm]

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shite out of him."

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

How do you turn your dishwaher into a snow plow?

Hand her a shovel.

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

Men Prefer Guns Over Women.

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Search and Destroy]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of
your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just
Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is
Job One'". Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock'" And
gives a wink!


Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my willy is 'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"


The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN'!!!!"

[nm]

I like that one.

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would think one of them would have seen it.

[gills]

A teenage penguin walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "can I help you lad?"

The teenager penguin is obviously distraught, and he says, sadly, "Has anyone seen my dad? He hasn't come home...he drinks too much...have you seen him?"

The barkeep says, "Well now that depends, what does he look like?"

[Gazsurf]

Surfersvillage Global Surf News, 19 February, 2006 : - - G'day gang, thought you should know about this latest scam going around, pretty awful..................

I was a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots of Sydney. Two good looking young women come up to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday!

[Search and Destroy]

Subject: OREGON GIRLS

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their New wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Minnesota and bragged that he Had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes. The second man had married a woman from Iowa. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his saw a clean house, the dishes were done, and she had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Oregon girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love those Oregon Girls

be happy

[Sparky]

A guy comes running into the house all excited yelling "Honey, I hit it.. I won the lotto.. pack your bags!"

The wife all excited runs into the bedroon grabs down the luggage out of the closet and begins packing.. before long she begins to think.. Hmm I wonder where we are going.. perhaps a tropical islandto catch some warm water surf or perhaps to the Swiss Alps to do a little snow boarding. Not sure what to pack up she runs out to the hall way and yells... "Honey should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"





His reply.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................."Hell I don't care just so long as your out of the dam house by the end of the day!!"

[lappis89]

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'" "That was a fine story Sarah."

Joey, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

[Koo Nass]

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

One for NMM:


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to
avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4,000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ...... I think not.