Joke Of The Day

[Spider]

[nm]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[nm]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty,clean...it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding!? I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

[Snow2Sea]

A man and his girlfriend are laying on the couch, cuddling and watching TV...

The girlfriend turns to the man and says "You know..people in the neighborhood are calling you a child molestor?"

The man pauses for second, then looks at his girlfriend and says "A child molestor? Wow, those are big words for a six year old like you."

[gills]

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says,

"Hey, why the long face?"

[nm]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[Gazsurf]

This is a the kind of crap that goes down on sportfields..........Zidane should've used his head in the World Cup Final..........oh wait he did!

Cricket: dude, have you ever heard what those ous say to one another on the pitch? There's a famous incident between Ian Botham and Malcolm Marshall - Marshall bowls to Botham, he offers a shot, but comes nowhere near the ball. Marshall chirps: "Ey mon, its the red thing, nice and round with a seam sewn in." Botham nods. Marshall runs in with the next ball, bowls, and Botham belts it over the bowlers head and out of the stadium. Botham tunes Marshall: "you know what it looks like, now go fetch it!"

And I don't do South African translations, you can just figure it out on your own hey!

[Gazsurf]

And here is another in the fine art of "sledging"........................

Glen McGrath bowls to that podgy Zimbabwean opener from a few years back, dunno his name, anyway, dude plays and misses.McGrath tunes him:' Why you so fat?' Oke says: ' Because every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit'. Even the Aussie slips p*ssed themselves.

[gills]

So this French, Spanish and Polish explorer are captured by a tribe of Indians way back when.

The chief approaches the men, tied and bound and says,

"White men, we going to kill you and use YOUR skin for our canoes."

The men look nervous as it seems that there is no way out of this. The chief then singles out the Frenchmen and says,

"French man, how you want to die?" The frog replies-
"Musket blast to the head." Bamn, chief shoots him, french man is dead. The Pole and Spaniard are alarmed by the carnage and know they have but precious seconds of life left on the earth. The chief approaches the Spaniard--

"Spanish man, how you want to die?" Spaniard replies, tears welling-
"Slit my throat." And with that, the chief slits that man's throat and he bleeds to death quickly and without a murmur. The chief approaches the Pole-

"Polish Man, how you want to die?" The Polish man bristles and then has an idea-
"Give me a fork"
"What says the chief?"
"A fork"

The chief being an honorable man goes and bangs on some teepees until a fork is produced. A bit confused, he hands the fork over to the Pole. The Pole, grips the utensil tightly and starts hacking at himself, puncturing his chest several times and says--

"The phuck with your canoes"

[Snow2Sea]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[Fish]

[Fish]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which

appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling

the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,

who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,

were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes

throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination,

and inside they found

only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one

robber said, "At least

we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also

contained nothing but

vanilla pudding. The process continued until all

safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond,

or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of

pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each

leaving with nothing

more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS

MORNING...

[guppy]

thats foul!!!!

[Fish]

Wonder if the bank was named Bailey's? (it's a wonderful life)

Bailey's? Bailey's Irish Cream?

[Fish]

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?



...Christopher Walken

oooooooooo.........silence fills the room as fish Laughs out Loud.