Joke Of The Day

[nm]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shite..."

[Dano]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[kevinfromseattle]

[
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

hahaha good one

[SlimVest]

Daddy, what's a vagina look like?

Before or after sex, johnny?

Both, Dad.

Well, Johnny, before sex a vagina looks like a wonderful rose crisp with morning dew.

Oooooh, that sounds pretty! What about after?

You ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise, johnny?

[wyosurf]

i dont think a bulldog would eat maynaise, he would probablly spit it out

[Gazsurf]

Woman in doghouse over Jehovah's Witness sign

Fri Jul 28, 10:12 AM ET

A British woman has been ordered by police to take down a sign on her garden gate which read "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses."

Janet Grove, who owns a terrier puppy called Rabbit, insisted the sign was a gentle joke to discourage callers at her front door.

Her late husband put the sign up more than 30 years ago when members of the church called at their house on Christmas Day.

But police were forced to act after receiving a complaint.

"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said. "Officers attended the address and the sign was voluntarily taken down."

[nm]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

[nm]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . So shut the hell up."

[Fish]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. ONE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM".

A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXLAINED; "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M
GETTING A FAX!!"

[wyosurf]

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....
>> >
>> >
>> > I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
>> > Retriever and was in line to check out.
>> >
>> > A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>> >
>> > On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
>>again,
>> > although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
>>hospital last
>> > time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
>>intensive care
>> > ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
>>both arms.
>> >
>> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the
>>way that it
>> > works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
>>simply eat one
>> > or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
>>nutritionally
>> > complete
>> > so I was going to try it again.
>> >
>> > I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
>>by now
>> > enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
>> >
>> > Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was
>>in the
>> > hospital.
>> >
>> > I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls
>>and a car
>> > hit me.
>> >.

[Gazsurf]

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Fish]

yay number ten!

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

How many cops does it take to push a guy down a stair case?



None.




He fell.

[Fish]

>Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia, but they

>couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked the local

>lifeguard for some advice.

> "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard. "You're wearing those old,

>baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old

>geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a

>pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized

>potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya. . . you'll have all the babes

>ya want!"

> The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight

>Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach was

>disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away,

>laughing...looking sick!

> So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's

>wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes."

> "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"

[nm]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?