Joke Of The Day

[Gazsurf]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day, one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her @ss that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[Gazsurf]

A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.

The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.

It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming......

[Sparky]

Toward the end of the golf course, Steve somehow managed
> to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty
> yellow
> buttercups.
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
> every buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden...POOF!!! In a flash and puff of smoke,
> a little old woman appeared. She Said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you
> know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you

> won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better
> still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
> life... as a matter fact, you won't have any butter for anything for
> the rest of your life!" THEN POOF...she was gone.
> After Steve got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Bob.
> "Bob,
> where are you?"
> Bob yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
> Steve Yells back......"DON'T SWING BOB!!! For God's sake,
> DON'T SWING!!"

[Search and Destroy]

ok. There's this monkey chillin in a tree in the middle of the jungle. he's just kickin back smokin a few joints. All awhile this lizard is walking by and happens to see the monkey in the tree. He say's to the monkey what the hell are you doing up there. The monkey replys I'm smokin a few doobies, wanna join. The lizard say's yes. So he climbs the tree and starts to get high with the monkey. After awhile the lizard gets cotton mouth and needs a drink of water. So he leans over the limb of the tree to get a drink from the river. He ends up leaning to fare and falls into the river. So happens, an aligator is swiming by and helps him to shore. The asligator replys what the hell were you thinking. The lizard said he was smoking a joint with this monkey and got cotton mouth so he tryed to get a drink of water and ended up leaning to fare over and fell into the river. The alligator replyed no fuking way and had to check this out for him self. So the lizard tolled him where the tree was and he started walking towards the tree. When he found the tree he looked up there and said hey-----you whate are you doing up there. The monkey replyed wow! how much water did you drink dude!

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

How many gay guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They don;t change it. They sit around and discuss why teh light bulb should not have to change to be accepted by society.

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, and three to write a song about it.

[brobra]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

Ever since my wife found it in my truck"

[nm]

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[TSOL]

Now thats funny

[Fish]

HOME DEPOT SCAM



A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.



Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

[Gazsurf]

Bad joke of the day..............

Steve Erwin should have been wearing his Ray Bans to protect him from harmful rays.

Before you get all pissy I loved the guy too.

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

BAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA! Sweet one Gaz!


Here ya go...

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.



She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion. She approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."

[Gazsurf]

Be careful with the names you give your kids............

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004453454,00.html

[Doc]

For Nasty...

And these sound 'mo bettah' told with the Cajun accent...

Beaudreax and Thibideaux are out a'hunting in de swamp...
Sudden like, Thibideaux jus collapse.
He no seem to be breathing and his eyes are crazy like.
Beaudreax grab his cellphone and call de 9-1-1.
Him gasps: "My frien' is dead! What can I do?"
The operator tell him: "Calm down now, I can help. First ting, make sure he really dead."
Dere is a silence, den Beaudreaux drop de phone, den a shot is heard.
Back on de phone, Beaudreaux say: "OK, he really dead...now what?"

Or...

Boudreaux calls de doctor and shout out, "Doc! Doc! My wife Mathilda, she in labor and da contractions are only two minute apart!"
The doctor ask, "Oh my, is dis her first child?"
Boudreaux shout, "No, you idiot, dis is her husband!"

Or...

Mrs. Boudreaux wake up one day and find dat Boudreaux dead. She go down to the local paper and say she want put in de Obituary for dat Boudreaux dead. They tol' her it gwan be $1.00 per word. She say, "Here 2 dollar - you put in dere dat "BOUDREAUX DEAD". Dey say, "Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want more dan dat...need to show sum respect fo' Boudreaux". She think hard 'bout it a little while and say, "Yeh, I taught of somethin else, you put in dere "BOUDREAUX DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE".

And...

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux be talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "You know, I tink I'm ready for a little vacation. But dis year I wants to do sumting different."
"De las' few years, I took your suggestions about where to go. Tree years ago you say "Boudreaux, go to Hawaii", an' I did an' Marie, she get pregnant."
"De next year you say "Boudreaux, go to de Bahamas". Marie, she get pregnant again."
"Den last year you tell me " Boudreaux, go to Tahiti. Sho' nuf, Marie get
pregnant again."
"Dis year I want to go someplace cheaper...so's I can bring her wit me!"