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Joke Of The Day

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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Tue Sep 19, 2006 11:59 am

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Five--one to change it, four to make sure he doesn't enjoy it.

How may Irish Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to drink until the room spins.


How many existentialists does it take to put in a light bulb?

Does it matter?

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

There is no lightbulb


How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

One to put in an old bulb that used to work 50 years ago, and a thousand to blame liberals for the darkness.

How many Neoconservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Darkness is an Intelligent Design.

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they don't want to offend the lightbulb for not working.

How many neoconservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep people in the dark.

How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but you'll be hearing about how they saved us from darkness every four years.

How many HMO Administrators does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Before they commit to a new light bulb, they suggest you try doing more things during daytime hours.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, the lightbulbs went with the house.

How many Dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it might take two tries.

How many Quality Assurance engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. QA Engineers don't fix anything; they merely point out that it's dark.

How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby nm » Wed Sep 20, 2006 8:53 am

These have probably been posted.........but here they are again.

For your viewing pleasure.....

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone(n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:33 am

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. "

"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth.

And the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth, and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby Dano » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:42 am

WALKING EAGLE

Invited recently to address a major gathering of American Indian tribes
in Arizona, President Bush spoke for almost an hour of his future plans for
increasing every Native American's present standard of living.

Though vague on the details of his plan, he appeared enthusiastic about his
ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the
tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian
name -- "Walking Eagle".

As the President departed, waving to the crowd from his motorcade, a
news reporter
asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name given to the
President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird
that is so
full of shite it can no longer fly.
humbled!
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Postby brobra » Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:21 pm

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Postby Wilbur Kookmeyer » Fri Sep 29, 2006 10:27 am

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2. People who are willing to get off their @ss to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their @sses!


5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb@ss?
Your electric car runs on coal. Think about it....
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Postby Ceedog » Fri Sep 29, 2006 12:13 pm

A 300 lb lady in a moo-moo walks into crowded bar with a parrot on her shoulder and loudly starts to proclaim, "I will $%#@ the living daylights out of the first man who can guess the weight of this here parrot on my shoulder." Jokingly, a man in the back belts out, "200 lbs." The lady smiles and says,"that's close enough mister."


What do you call four spanish speaking people in quiksand?

Quattro Cinqo
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Postby guppy » Thu Oct 05, 2006 11:15 am

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The owner behind you with a gun and is blonde.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Postby Fish » Thu Oct 05, 2006 4:23 pm

Three football fans were on their way to watch the games when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.



They stopped and discovered a beautiful nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.



The 49ers fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.



Following their lead, the Dallas fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.



The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49ers cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Dallas cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.



The Dallas fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"



"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Dallas hat, I find an a-hole."
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Postby TSOL » Tue Oct 10, 2006 1:43 pm

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asked the barman?
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live down
by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman
tied to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course, I went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story
short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position
imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"



"Dunno'...Never found the head!"
You can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think.

- Dorothy Parker
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Postby Nasty » Thu Oct 12, 2006 11:54 am

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Republican in the road?

The vultures will eat the skunk.
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Postby Chunderkat » Sat Oct 14, 2006 2:02 pm

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both excelent employees.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I'm sorry, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shite this morning."
|^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| BEER ............| ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)
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Postby Gazsurf » Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:41 pm

Osama bin Laden just been bust shagging sheep in Wales ...when questioned ,he told police they were islambs an he could do what he wanted to with them ...
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby Gazsurf » Sun Oct 15, 2006 11:04 am

Before the marriage...........

Image


During the marriage...........

Image


After the divorce...............

Image
"I disagree with these experts. Someone has got to stand up to experts."

Texas Board of Education member McLeroy rejecting science over creationism.
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Postby nm » Tue Oct 17, 2006 10:46 am

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
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