Joke Of The Day

[guppy]

[guppy]

A guy and a gal met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided

to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy took off his

shirt and then washed his hands. He then took off his trousers and

washed his hands again.

The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, responded, "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they made love. After they were done, the

girl commented, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego said, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist.

How did you figure that out?"

The Girl, "I didn't feel a thing

[nm]

I just got this email from a friend/client.........first good laugh I've had all day.....

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, vote liberal or occasionally sh*% yourself.......You hang in there sunshine, you're freaking special...

[Chunderkat]

Here's a response to your terrible husband wife joke nmm.....................

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better i dea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted...............twice.

[Chunderkat]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with
experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent
>>> is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis
van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

[Nasty]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand
Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me.
I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his freakin widow."

[nm]

FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

[Gazsurf]

Heather Mill's divorce case against Paul McCartney has gotten ugly, with all the mud slinging. But was thrown out of court today........... according to the judge she didn't have a leg to stand on!

[Nasty]

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

We're Jack and Jill" the little girl replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black."

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?

"We're Hansel and Gretel," says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel, because you're black. Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" the man asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. I'm plain. He's got nuts.

[Gazsurf]

What do you call a black man flying a commercial airline?












A pilot......you racist bastards!

[nm]

The CIA has three new recruits that it's putting to a final test. There are two men and one woman. The lead CIA agent tells the recruits that their final test is they have to kill their spouse.

They get to the first mans house and he doesn't even get out of the car. He's crying and pleading that he can't do it. "I love her too much, I just can't do it."

He's out.

They get to the second mans house. He gets in the door but only seconds later comes back out. "She's my wife, I love her... I just can't do it."

He's out.

Finally they arrive at the womans house. She doesn't even hesitate and jumps out of the van and heads into the house. Seconds later the agents hear a blast of gunfire, pow! pow! pow!. They congratulate each other on finding a suitable recruit but then they hear furniture flying, glass breaking, and screaming coming from inside the house.

Moments pass, things quiet down and the woman comes out.

"You bastards didn't tell me there were blanks in that gun. I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

[Chunderkat]

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

[Gazsurf]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Wilbur Kookmeyer]

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."


The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[nm]

Some people are like slinkis...not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you shove 'em down a flight of stairs.